Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
