she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
