...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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