Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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