I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
