it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
