A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
