Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
