While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
