My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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