Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
