she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
