My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
