At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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