Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
