he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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