none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
