I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
