Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
