i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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