Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
