Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just found puke in my bra..
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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