He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
