So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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