i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'