FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
