How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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