Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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