I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
