My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
