i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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