I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
