I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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