I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
