i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
