I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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