I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
