This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
