I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
