i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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