I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
