I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
