This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
