well I can't set my house on fire every night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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