Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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