Plan B is the new Plan A
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
