My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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