filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
