it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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