My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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