I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
