I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
