He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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