Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
